I was reading that, and truly believe, that everyone needs a creative outlet.
Sometimes I think that mine is singing, but... is SINGING really creative? I know its a release, and it feels good and it is soulful- but is it "creative"?
Songwriting, that is definitely creative. But Singing...?
I don't know, the jury is out.
So just in case my incessant singing is not a real I am going to assume that writing is creative. but actually... WRITING like THIS is not really creative... it is more like a release- again. Releases are great! But when will I ever be creative. I should just start organizing my underwear drawer prettily, or wearing cool clothes. Or cooking. or.... gardening!
You know, I considered joining some like organization that plants flowers and plants in NYC- but I ... one day maybe. One day.
Ok- I have to go get my laundry.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
trees
Honestly, it was so perfect today.
I have this problem, I'm pretty sure, where I am afraid that if i spend time outside NOT walking/exercising I am wasting time/surely-getting-fat. And that... is a stupid and stressful belief.
I became aware of this issue last year when I was in a (glorious) habit of taking the subway from the East Village up to Central Park to run. It was a lovely routine but I guess I didn't allow it to be as therapeutic as it COULD have been because... when I proposed the idea -to myself -of going to Central Park for the sole purpose of relaxing and lying under a tree and writing in my journal/napping/reading: I kind of freaked out. And I wanted to but I didn't want to because I felt like it was a huge waste of time....
***
(Exposition) I had just taken a LONG time off of exercise for two reasons: I knew I was kind of obsessed and addicted and that exercise had become more of a punishment than a health-affirming joy. And also because I had injured myself- an ankle sprain that turned into a pinched nerve in my hip. La! I don't really believe in coincidences so this was an interesting way to force me to not exercise. I also hated exercise. So after a good 8 months of no exercise, and relatively noticeable (at least to me and my oh so stressful mother) weight gain, I finally realized I needed to strengthen to get rid of the pinched nerve. I then began walking in Central Park because I knew that it had to be good for my soul as well as my body. I thought I would never run again because of all the stress I put myself through in the years before. But before I knew it I was running because the people running all around me in the park looked like they were having such a good time. In about a month, I was addicted- in a good way... but kind of in a bad way. I WOULD be stressed if I didn't exercise because of this "fear of impending fatness" that has plagued my poor mind since I was 14. I would go all day in studio- ballet classes and jazz classes and THEN go for a run. And I walked everywhere. I mean, exercise is so good for you, but the dictator within me (who is currently named Marian, i don't know why... it may change) was NEVER satisfied with how much I did. I also still used exercise as a means to eat a lot of food. And yes, when exercising you DO need more food. But... you know.
Anyway, so for the last year I have been running off and on. Eating whatever I wanted in an attempt to get over my denial/obsession but still... though I am aware of what is a healthy attitude, and I aspire to it, and I almost ALMOST even have it- I'm not quite there.
***
So back to the point- the point point- well first of all, before the point point (which will be point 2) Point 1 is:
#1 I have lowered my standards of cardio from 30 minutes of running everyfuckingday to... 20 minutes of running much less often. I am ALSO living in NYC, and working as a waitress and going to Yoga and trala lala la so- you know- this is completely reasonable. Like, completely. So this relaxation has become good- and I am not afraid of getting fat from it, because the reason I get fat. (you know... get "fat") is because I overeat. And I overeat because of stress. And, sister, stressing myself out over exercise is just not going to help that issue. I have known this for a while- but acting on it-...
THE POINT-POINT!
#2. I just sat in Washington Square Park today- looking at people, listening to music, braiding my hair (its in a french braid still, now) and just enjoying probably 15 minutes of peace. Peace and no obligations to myself or anything or anyone.
I had also just bought a grraaannddeeee iced coffee from Starbucks, had about 1/5 and decided for some reason I just didn't want it or need it- something in me was saying: NO! So I just threw it out and sat in the park.
Now this WAS after 20 minutes of running annyways. I will be reallly proud if I can do that peacefully on a day that I don't intend to exercise at all. (I didn't yesterday)
Anyway- healing healing healing. Mind. Body. Spirit.
Balance balance, you know...
Also, this is an amazing poem:
I have this problem, I'm pretty sure, where I am afraid that if i spend time outside NOT walking/exercising I am wasting time/surely-getting-fat. And that... is a stupid and stressful belief.
I became aware of this issue last year when I was in a (glorious) habit of taking the subway from the East Village up to Central Park to run. It was a lovely routine but I guess I didn't allow it to be as therapeutic as it COULD have been because... when I proposed the idea -to myself -of going to Central Park for the sole purpose of relaxing and lying under a tree and writing in my journal/napping/reading: I kind of freaked out. And I wanted to but I didn't want to because I felt like it was a huge waste of time....
***
(Exposition) I had just taken a LONG time off of exercise for two reasons: I knew I was kind of obsessed and addicted and that exercise had become more of a punishment than a health-affirming joy. And also because I had injured myself- an ankle sprain that turned into a pinched nerve in my hip. La! I don't really believe in coincidences so this was an interesting way to force me to not exercise. I also hated exercise. So after a good 8 months of no exercise, and relatively noticeable (at least to me and my oh so stressful mother) weight gain, I finally realized I needed to strengthen to get rid of the pinched nerve. I then began walking in Central Park because I knew that it had to be good for my soul as well as my body. I thought I would never run again because of all the stress I put myself through in the years before. But before I knew it I was running because the people running all around me in the park looked like they were having such a good time. In about a month, I was addicted- in a good way... but kind of in a bad way. I WOULD be stressed if I didn't exercise because of this "fear of impending fatness" that has plagued my poor mind since I was 14. I would go all day in studio- ballet classes and jazz classes and THEN go for a run. And I walked everywhere. I mean, exercise is so good for you, but the dictator within me (who is currently named Marian, i don't know why... it may change) was NEVER satisfied with how much I did. I also still used exercise as a means to eat a lot of food. And yes, when exercising you DO need more food. But... you know.
Anyway, so for the last year I have been running off and on. Eating whatever I wanted in an attempt to get over my denial/obsession but still... though I am aware of what is a healthy attitude, and I aspire to it, and I almost ALMOST even have it- I'm not quite there.
***
So back to the point- the point point- well first of all, before the point point (which will be point 2) Point 1 is:
#1 I have lowered my standards of cardio from 30 minutes of running everyfuckingday to... 20 minutes of running much less often. I am ALSO living in NYC, and working as a waitress and going to Yoga and trala lala la so- you know- this is completely reasonable. Like, completely. So this relaxation has become good- and I am not afraid of getting fat from it, because the reason I get fat. (you know... get "fat") is because I overeat. And I overeat because of stress. And, sister, stressing myself out over exercise is just not going to help that issue. I have known this for a while- but acting on it-...
THE POINT-POINT!
#2. I just sat in Washington Square Park today- looking at people, listening to music, braiding my hair (its in a french braid still, now) and just enjoying probably 15 minutes of peace. Peace and no obligations to myself or anything or anyone.
I had also just bought a grraaannddeeee iced coffee from Starbucks, had about 1/5 and decided for some reason I just didn't want it or need it- something in me was saying: NO! So I just threw it out and sat in the park.
Now this WAS after 20 minutes of running annyways. I will be reallly proud if I can do that peacefully on a day that I don't intend to exercise at all. (I didn't yesterday)
Anyway- healing healing healing. Mind. Body. Spirit.
Balance balance, you know...
Also, this is an amazing poem:
Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver
You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.
Now I am going to post this, and then post another one soon after.
Friday, June 26, 2009
babysitting. bored.
So, I totally forgot where and what my blog was so... obviously. But I am pretty sure no one reads it anyway. I mean, there is one post. I don't even know what my blog is about. Maybe one day I'll look back and laugh at myself.
Correction: one day I will look back and laugh at myself.
So, I am babysitting- and they said I could use their computer- but it is a stupid PC and the keyboard is actually REALLY HARD TO USE!. My wrists are already tired from typing just a little- so it may not go on for long.
I worked this morning at the restaurant and made 70, which was nice. I think I need more clothes. I am now babysitting, and I will be meeting my Ireland program friends soon. (I feel like I need a smaller / shorter name for them).
This is a pretty good gig. I mean, I literally have nothing to do. I should have BROUGHT something to do.
I am going away for a week and I need to find someone to cover my every shift. I would do it now if the schedule was actually up!!!
What not to wear is on in the background but it is so fucking boring. I need to find a real show.
mammmma mmiiiaaaa now I have on touched by an angel. I don't know whats worse. I will keep looking.....
ok. whatever, family guy.
I am over updating now. All I was going to say was that as I ate 2 or 3 spoonfuls of this family's peanut butter I realized that that is one of the most common children-are-in-bed-what-am-i-going-to-do-what-do-they-have-to-eat activities.
Happens every time.
Tootaloo
Correction: one day I will look back and laugh at myself.
So, I am babysitting- and they said I could use their computer- but it is a stupid PC and the keyboard is actually REALLY HARD TO USE!. My wrists are already tired from typing just a little- so it may not go on for long.
I worked this morning at the restaurant and made 70, which was nice. I think I need more clothes. I am now babysitting, and I will be meeting my Ireland program friends soon. (I feel like I need a smaller / shorter name for them).
This is a pretty good gig. I mean, I literally have nothing to do. I should have BROUGHT something to do.
I am going away for a week and I need to find someone to cover my every shift. I would do it now if the schedule was actually up!!!
What not to wear is on in the background but it is so fucking boring. I need to find a real show.
mammmma mmiiiaaaa now I have on touched by an angel. I don't know whats worse. I will keep looking.....
ok. whatever, family guy.
I am over updating now. All I was going to say was that as I ate 2 or 3 spoonfuls of this family's peanut butter I realized that that is one of the most common children-are-in-bed-what-am-i-going-to-do-what-do-they-have-to-eat activities.
Happens every time.
Tootaloo
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