Truth?

Heyooo. I didn't really do it today, I tried to do nothing but I started to fall asleep. I probably got 45 seconds of REAL nothing in- besides weird falling-asleep-thoughts. And then I tried to do truth- so instead of trying to recall, I am going to take 3 big breaths now, and do my truth NOW.


What am I feeling?
stomach-ache. exhaustion (theme). headache (i have been having wine every night- :-/). overheated. tired. tired. my ears feel weird. i feel nervous.
I am nervous about all the things I still have to do. I am nervous that the girl who is subletting my apartment in a few days has not gotten back to me about her exact move-in day and ....

what is painful?
the idea that everything is going to crumble.

What story?
I am scared that this girl is going to scam me, for no reason (there is nothing for her to gain by screwing me over) but I am afraid that she is just going to drop off the face of the earth. I am afraid that I will be tired for the rest of my life, and that today's and this week's fatigue will ruin my life and make me irritable and depressed till the day I die.

Is this working. NO

What would work better: This girl should be getting back to me, but it is finals and she is in law school. I will figure it out. The worst that happens is they have to deal with my shit. I will get sleep. If I want sleep tonight, I can get it, I suggest I don't go out to dinner with a friend again- it drags the night on.

Ah- very nice.

Scumbag: Hello scumbag. The one who, despite only had 1.5 glasses of wine last night, has a headache this morning. The one who could have spent the morning writing part of her paper, but flounced around instead. The one who didn't exercise today, and the one who hasn't even found boxes yet for her move-out in two days (omg, i just had a an anxiety pang). I wish you compassion. I GIVE you compassion. may you be well, may you be happy, may you be free from suffering. May you sleep well tonight.

<3 - Your Wholesome Twin



Good Book:

Truth Potion #02

So, I have but 5 minutes to write- In a break in between class (last school class ever. maybe of my life. hopefully) and my babysitting job- I got an iced coffee, walked back to my apt to recharge my computer, and made myself a Turkey Sandwich. Whats better than a Turkey Sandwich, I ask? I even capitalize "Turkey Sandwich". I wonder if my priorities are in order.

But, after I ate my Sandwich while watching "Dr. Drew's Sober House" on VH1, and had some Dagoba Organic chocolate (74%, if you were wondering), I decided that I had time enough to doing some Nothing/Truth. So I simply turned off the TV, picked my legs up onto the couch, and closed my eyes. I thought about what it would feel like to be a cat again, since apparently that works.

Why Pretending to Be a Cat Works:
1. They are selfish in the best way.
2. They have absolutely NO worries.
3. They take care of themselves (see #1.)
4. They stretch
5. They nap
6. They won't do anything they don't want to do
7. I would argue that they are very zen (as are most animals, but if you had to compare a cat and a dog.. cats are happier in "stillness")

So I pretended to be a cat, and I repeated "This is MY time" to myself. hummmdidliUm. And it worked pretty well actually- I mean, of course I had my thoughts and my mind trailed off, but eventually I started feeling my breath go in and out - and was breathing very deeply. And then this thing happened that only happens when I breath very deeply in one of these times ("meditation attempts") or when I have a fever. Now, take from that what you will. I have no idea, but it is the sensation of not really being in my body, but being VERY much in my body and also of being very far away (tiny) and very HUGE and slow (can't explain). And by the end of my 15 minutes I was feeling this way- and so I asked my little tiny faraway body, and my very huge face :

What am I feeling right now?
Not very much actually....I am feeling very small and very big. I am feeling an achey head. I am feeling my foot is falling asleep. I am feeling hunger pangs even though I just ate- which is annoying.
Ok, so I guess I am feeling annoyed. That when I listen to my body and eat the right amount- I then get hungry 5 minutes later.
What is painful? Hunger, kind of. My head. It is painful, I guess, to be annoyed with ones hunger signals and not feel like they know if they are eating enough or too much. Ugh.
What is the story I am telling: That I don't know how to feed myself, that I will get starving within 1 hour and never be able to find food again- and starve and die. Or, that I am messed up. Or that I will never feel satiated. Or.... any miriad of worries that I am not, actually, being good to my body with food.
Is this story working: No, because its stupid and stressful.
What is a better story? Um, that I am wonderful for sitting down (however in front of the tv) and eating a wholesome Turkey Sandwich, iced coffee, dark chocolate and that I am good to my body and feed it all the time, and don't overeat that often. And I am not THAT hungry, and if I need to eat more before I go babysit, I CAN- you stupid dingbat!!!!!! DUH.

Now- "Offer compassion to your inner scum bag" (forgot to do this yesterday)

Dear Inner Scumbag,
The one who is obsessed with eating, the one who didn't help that woman on the street when she fell, the one who sneaks out of class early, and avoided making eye contact with my teacher at the end of today's last class even though she was kindly smiling at me because I felt guilty. The one who procrastinates EVERYTHING and relies on her parents for EVERYTHING. The one who is too easily persuaded to get a second glass of wine, the one who refuses to go to the gym and then complains that no real bras fit me in the world. The one who can only keep her room clean for 2 days and who accidentally but kind of just carelessly let two people think they could sublet our apartment this summer when we actually had chosen two other people- but never let the first two know till it was very late for them. Her. She is trying. She DOES have good intentions mostly, and she acts out of overwhelm and desperation. I offer you compassion.
May you be well, May You be Happy. May you be free from suffering.

YIKES BIKES I AM LATEEEE!

Pretending to Be a Cat (thats the opposite of truth)

I tried to squeeze in nothingness + truth yesterday but the idea of taking the TIME to sit down and write a blog about it stressed me out too much. So I didn't.

Phew. But- I did a mini version yesterday and- also- yoga helped me IMMEASURABLY. Normally I cannot get out of my head during yoga but I managed to be able to enjoy myself despite the slew of things I had waiting for me at the other end of the yoga session.

I pretended to be a cat.

And just moved around however the hell I liked. And when I would think of what list of tasks and to-dos and the concert last night I had waiting for me. I imagined what a cat would think if it had to deal with the same things- and said "Who cares". I imagined myself on a windowsill- able to nap at any given moment. Doing stretchy yoga things because I wanted to and because I was agile and cool. So strangely... it worked.

But back to nothingness + truth: I didn't really give myself a good strong dose of nothingness (unless you include spurts of it in yoga). But I did take like 7 desperate breaths with my eyes closed sitting at my computer with my heart pounding, and my body achingly tired from having to wake up at the crack of dawn to babysit. I think that sometimes (or, often) a quiet mind has something to do with being to tired to be able to worry or think. I used to go to a very intuitive acupuncturist last year- who would always ask me: "What are you dealing with!? Your body is freaking out! What are you so worried about???" And what I have never forgotten is "I am feeling so much stress in your body, but I think that you are so exhausted that you aren't even acknowledging it or able to care". I think that is a little of how it is now... which is bad.

But I sat there and asked myself the Truth questions:
What am I feeling? Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Anxious. Tired. Embarrassed.
What hurts? My head. My eyes. Embarrassment.
What painful story am I telling? That I will not be able to finish all my papers or pack up my things before I have to move out. My agents also think I am crazy for popping into today and being so out of it because I am exhausted. Because of this I will not be able to graduate this May and also my mom will hate me for making things more difficult with the apartment. My agents will regret the day they signed me. I won't fit in time to exercise, so I won't fit into my clothes anymore and I will have to buy all new clothes- which is bad for so many reasons. I will never find a new apartment in July and will have to live at home, on the streets or in a ?????. I will never find a reasonably priced plan ticket from Marseille at the end of my France bike trip and I'll have to stay there, except I won't be able to because I never became an Irish citizen even though I could and should and therefore have no EU passport.

Is this story helping? No. I don't actually truly believe these things will happen. But if I examine everything I am feeling and all the worry and embarrassment I feel. THAT story is why. The possibility of THAT story, above, is why I feel stress.

Is there a better story I can tell? Yes. Here it is:

I will finish my papers, I will just turn them in late. I will pack up my stuff in one morning, its not that hard, and if I don't I will stuff it in my closet. Deal with it. My agents are nice and if they truly think I am strange and strung out they will STILL want me to work, for their own sake. $$$$$$$. If I don't exercise my clothes will still fit. My bras just won't. And I will find an apartment, because I have to and my parents will help me find one and move. Someone in my class just showed me a website that tells you when your flights drop and there is still time to get Irish Citizenship before the close the offer. I hope.

I had best calm down. Why on earth would we tell ourselves the most stressful story possible???

Merp.

Menu Item 1: Nothingness Overview

Here is an overview for Menu Item 1: Nothingness.

My favorite quote from this Chapter: "Do nothing with Pride and Gusto"

1. Put up no vacancy sign. Meaning, make sure you are completely unavailable to everybody except for yourself for at least 15 minutes a day.

2. Let the Body Vacate: Either sit comfortably, or perform some repetitive and mindless action like doing the dishes, walking etc, or watch some natural motion like water, fire, clouds.

3. Let the Mind Vacate: Watch your thoughts on a a ticker tape, as traffic, as a waterfall or a parade. Whatever helps you see them as separate from yourself.

4. Learn to return: Remember the way you felt during a very peaceful moment in your life. Recall the sensation of relaxation and ease, and go there in your mind. (like me... with sneezing... ?)

Nothingness Day 7

As the first week comes to a close I would hope that I was a little bit better at doing nothing.

I realized that thoughts are not as concrete as a word ticker. They often arise in vague associations or pictures or words that I "hear" and do not see. So when I put them into words, it is a double step, which seems laborious. But I guess, it is worth it if only to see our thoughts. The goal of this step is to become the "watcher", and instead of identifying with our thoughts, be able to see that they are separate from us, and therefore hold less power over us.

I thought today as my mind flitted about I thought of that saying "The mind is a terrible master, but a wonderful servant". I look forward to my mind being my little minion servant. Thinking up brilliant things for me while I relax by the water without a worry in the world. But, now, I am just trying to very clearly learn that my mind is not my master.

I don't remember quite what my thoughts were today except that there were a lot of them- and many included me wanting to eat and thinking of food. I also had thoughts of a random pair of Asian sisters who were associated with and manipulating a lot of my concrete thoughts. It was... strange... I don't know what that was all about. But I did also get a jolt of anxiety over me wanting to start an internet business and not having any idea what to do and another JOLT over knowing that I have hours and hours of work on a paper to do and have zero motivation to begin. But I felt that and decided to just focus on the feelings and respond with (Who Cares) (Oh Well).

In her other book, she suggests those 15 minutes to be a relaxation time when you do "nothing" but instead of complete nothing, she recommends a list of potential mantras to settle yourself down: "I work very hard and I deserve to relax" was the one I remember latching onto.

I also tried to technique that other people talk about today where you just feel your body and go into the sensation of being alive. Feel what there is to feel without judgement. It definitely takes you into the moment, and I think it will be one of my methods from now on. I think also, that that is what the SNEEZING did to me the other days. It would make me shoot into my body (in a good way) and just silently be there for a while until fervent thoughts would bounce around again.

I think the long and short is that it doesn't matter what happens in your designated nothingness time as much as it matters that you commit to doing it. Whether you are completely zen and able to think about nothing, worry about all the things you have to do and only manage to "look at"5% of your thoughts, or you have Asian sisters accompanying your thoughts (still confused) all that matters is that you commit. Get comfortable with at least TRYING to do nothing.

She says if you cannot do it for more than 3 minutes after a week, to start asking yourself "Why am I uncomfortable doing nothing" and see what pops up. I will reserve that for the days when nothing seems to work. Other than that, tomorrow I am onto adding "Truths" onto my nothingness.

Tomorrow I will do my 15 minutes and then answer questions... that I have to write down from the audio book. I tried to buy the hard copy in Barnes and Noble yesterday but they don't have it in stock! ARGH!

But they are getting us in touch with what is true in our life or any given situation or feeling. "What am I feeling?", etc.

Anyway...

bye.

Nothingness Day 6- advil

This is what my Ticker Looks Like  .When I actually use it. Which I seem to NOT do anymore.

I did my fake bed meditation today again, which might not prove to be the best. For some reason my mind runs all over the place. Some of the more common thoughts I tried to watch today were:

I need advil

Oh- thats a great idea for a blog!!

I wonder if I'll sneeze?

I wonder if I set my alarm correctly?

Turns out I did NOT set my alarm correctly- and in the end, about 7 minutes after it would have been over I thought

I really hope this is over soon

This CAN'T be right...

I am going to check

And sure enough!

Also, I did sneeze again, at two different times, and it without fail made me still and feel the 'space'. I even tried to imagine what my body feels like after sneezing to kind of jump-start my zen. It half worked.

Also, at the end (when it was already pat 15 minutes but I didn't know) I just stretched like a squiggly worm in my bed- which then gave me a good minute or two of calm and stillness before I thought
This is ABSURD. I AM CHECKING THE CLOCK.

So I guess my mind goes in spurts of peacefulness and agitation. "Oh well."

Nothingness Day 5- double WHAM & a sneeze

Agh- its nearly tomorrow. And I am writing to you from my desk- eating turkey jerky, whole grain cookies and kombucha.

But, that is slightly beside the point. Today was day Number 5 of the Joy Diet. I am still in 'Phase Nothingness'- and so I set out to do nothing in my (fake***) bed after only about 40 minutes after waking.


Back to my Nothingness. I had been wondering if my miraculously slow thoughts were due to my EXTENSIVE exhaustion these past 4 days. I had not been sleeping as sound-ly or long-ly as I normally require and desire (what a weird sentence) (I DID just have 2.5 glasses of prosecco with my friends uptown) (though, in a 2.5 hour period of time, mind you) (My former English teachers would bow their heads in sadness and shame) ("You can't USE PARENTHESES THIS WAY") (suck it.)

Anyway, the point is- maybe my great and quick success in meditating was due to exhaustion.' Of COURSE i relaxed... My body wanted to fall asleep!'

Well last night I got 9 hours of sleep- and today actually was a bit harder- but I still tried.

Weird Tidbit: Yesterday morning I set my alarm for 10:37 a.m. because I lay down at 10:21 and needed an extra minute just for safety's sake. And this morning, when I lay down.... I looked at my clock and it said... 10:21 am. my alarm was set for 10:37 and would go off then.... SO STRANGE. I didn't force that at all. The first two days my accidental Nothingness time was 17 minutes. The second two days I lay down on my (fake) bed at exactly 10:21.
WTF!?

But in any event- strange as the time parallels have been- I lay down watching my thought: "Weird Weird Weird" till it faded. I didn't really do as precise of a job watching my thoughts today- I don't know why. I wasn't really seeing them on ticker tape as I was imagining them in the center, and me in the space around them- which is a bit too abstract and I think why it failed to stay consistent. When I tried to imagine my thoughts as a rapid waterfall as she suggests, they were existing outside of the waterfall and the waterfall was clear. Pointless.

I was battling my own thoughts- trying to experience the "space" around them half unsuccessfully when I Sneexed violently three times. My body and mind were still.

The sneezing shocked me into real, serious nothingness. I then felt very strongly the space IN my body. Sneezing, the secret to zen.

Then later- I actually spent time at Central park and committed 15 more minutes, because I felt unhappy with my 15 minutes in bed before (besides the sneezing). I got a little bench by the water and sat there staring at the lake. I don't remember specifics- except the literal wind-blow, sparkling ripples in the water by this gnarly-rooted tree was very peaceful. And then that smiley indian girl sitting on the ground behind my bench playing loud Indian music on her BOOM BOX. I listened to my ipod on the Album Julie and Julia (very nice) (and lake-y)- but whenever the music would get quiet on my iPod, I would hear the silent sitar in the background. Now really I am not upset about this- if I can't laugh at the Indian woman, her boom box, and my fervent desire to the space around my very own news-ticker-mind, then what CAN I laugh at!?!? So, even still, I tried to breathe into the 'space'. Not perfect, yet. But life isn't about being perfect. (Yet...)

Its about sitting at your desk, post-prosecco, and bingeing on peppered Turkey Jerky.
ho ho. ha ha ha. (a real kind of yoga)

juuuuuust kidding
life isn't about jerky!

***(My fake bed, is a mattress set on top of two VERY WOBBLY ikea shelving units that together are the EXACT size of a mattress. There are two that go lengthwise- so as I lie in bed there is essentially a crack running along my spine underneath the mattress. My "handy" mother and I bought them because we wanted to also get this bookcase to fit next to my "bed", in my mini room, in my old apartment. If I bought a real bed-frame, it would have been one inch too long- and therefore block my pigmy closet too much. So- I have no real bed.

When I had friends over watching "Twilight" in my bed a few months ago, we heard a large CRACK below us, and it was one of the two shelving units BREAKING. To make matters more treacherous, in January I got a nice, thick wool rug... but it doesn't reach ALL the way under BOTH of my vertical shelving units, only one of them, so one of the shelving units (the one that is not broken) that is on the rug is sitting a good 3/4 inch above the broken one that is also lower by another 1/2 inch because... its BROKEN. So... my mattress is sitting on two shelves that are completely different heights. No wonder I have trouble falling to sleep. Also, I'm lucky that I don't have a boyfriend. And my non-existent boyfriend is lucky I don't have a boyfriend because my bed would not be our friend.

Yea, you read it mom. But, I still want a real bed. Not for my non-existent boyfriend, though. For ME.)

Day 4- Nothingness

Day 4- Nothingness

I am going to relisten to the section on Nothingness (I have the audiobook) just to get a revamp and get re-inspired.

I lay down in my bed for this one and put my phone on alarm 'doorbell' for 16 minutes (just so I had a minute to bunker down).

I was lying in my bed- determined to be determinedly not determined at all- I fidgeted and moved around for the first 2 minutes-
"I want to cross my arms"
"ok"

"I want to sigh breath"
"if you must-  i mean.... ok"

I had some annoying thoughts. I realize that what I started to do is - I have a lot of picture thoughts. Like i think of things but they don't fit perfectly into "ticker" format- so in an attempt to not get lost in thoughts I re ticker them after the fact and observe them. And during the moment I can't tell whether I am being oh so zen by observing it- or being ridiculous.

But I tried to breathe into the "space" around and in between my thoughts. And I thought to myself (issue already) probably about 10 minutes in, that all the same thoughts are going on- but they are in the middle of my head and I am currently living in the space around it.

My thoughts were in like a big statue in the middle of my head and I was floating outside watching them.

I kept on singing the words to the song "The Light in the Piazza" because it seemed relevent. Then I would have the ticker: "association!" "oh well" "(more lyrics)" "NO!" "YESSS"  ..... "ugh" "Oh well".



Finally I was staring at this huge brown cement statue that was my thoughts, and the thought became: "I bet the time is almost up" space space "I bet the time is almost up" space space space "I bet the time is almost up"
DING DONG!

weird. but I committed! WAHOOOOOOOO

Menu Item 1: Nothingness .3

Day 3- April 21
Nothingness . 3

Today- I kind of copped out. I said that during Yoga I would do my "nothingness" because thats what you are supposed to do in yoga anyway. But I think my nothingness should even be separate from yoga- it was hard to pay attention because I had to pay attention to the yoga. I couldn't tell how nothing the nothingness was. So, lesson learned. I will still do yoga- it IS a practice in some sort of nothingness- but I think I need to set aside the 15 minutes elsewhere.

I thought that might be so- so on my walk TO yoga, which is about 15 minutes or a little less. I did the same thing as the day before. This time I just focused on the trees. As I walked by I would kind of zone out looking at the trees and notice my thoughts but... they were sparse as before. Then I would have some thoughts like "I wonder if I will be on time" "oh well" "I wonder if they will turn me away" "oh well" "that tree is beautiful" "ok". Then I would begin some thoughts- knowing I wanted the ticker to fully say something like "It is really hot out" and My thought ticker would literally go "It is really hhhhh" and dissolve. Weird. But today there WERE more full sentances- it wasn't as sparse- though I did notice the "space" in between thoughts which is a great feeling.

It was not, however, a full 15 minutes, and it was also not really continued very far into my yoga. Oh well. Better than nothing!!!!!

See you lllllllllaaa

Until Tommmmo

Love, Caaaa

The Beginning of The Joy Diet- Doing Nothing

I decided the other that I was going to complete all the Steps of Martha Beck's "The Joy Diet" book.
Its not a diet book, which is actually what I thought when I bought it. It has nothing to do with food. But it is about adding conscious and simple practices to your life slowly to enhance your life and begin to live the life your soul was meant to live.


She suggests that every week be dedicated to adding a new practice.


The first week I am to get used to 15 minutes of doing "nothing". Its basically meditating. Committing to alone time and not having anyone to answer to for 15 minutes while we stay still or do something repetitive that requires no thought- like walking, the dishes.... etc.


She suggests looking at nature or closing our eyes. Depending on how fervent our thoughts are she recommends watching them go by like a ticker- or if they are more manic and jumbled to watch them rapidly fall by you like a waterfall.


I have done it for 2 days so far- I will recount my first two experiences of Nothing.

Day 1- April 19th

I committed to doing nothing at Central Park during a break in between my babysitting job. I went to a bridge that overlooked the lake and stared at the water and the trees.

This is NOT my idea of a good time. If I am going to be by myself (which I actually like a lot)- I prefer to pretend I am someone famous or to listen to my iPod and pretend that my Harry Potter friends and I are playing the shuffle game at my engagement party to George Weasley. Something simple and normal like that.

Staring at nature, especially water, does nothing for me normally. I have friends and a father who just love water and could stare at it all day, and I have never understood them. But... there I went. Staring at the water.

My thoughts, amazingly, were slow. They would come in simple ways like- "Sparkle" and "I love that willow over there". I committed to imagining them on ticker tape and sometimes responding to the more neurotic thoughts like "Those russians are looking at me" with a calm "Oh Well".

Truly my thoughts were slow. It was a strange sensation. And I would sometimes worry: "What If I am putting too much imagination into this ticker tape? Won't that ruin the point of nothingness?" And even that I would see on ticker tape and respond "Maybe but Oh Well".

I played no music (AHHHHH), I didn't move from standing on that bridge overlooking the water and would see the ticker saying "My feet hurt. Can I sit down?" and I would respond calmly "Of course". But I never did. I stayed with the vision of the nature and tried to have as few thoughts as possible, though of course that cannot be controlled. The only thing notable was that the stillness and nothingness definitely caused some trouble breathing. There was no rational or physical reason why my breathing would have seemed slightly difficult- but it was. There was a slight but very real tingling of anxiety around my heart that I can only hope is a good thing- because I didn't back down.

When I started thinking: "Could this be over, please?" more and more- I checked my clock. 17 minutes had passed! I was elated and began to walk through the Ramble- my thoughts were slower though and I definitely felt accomplished and peaceful.

Enough for one day!!!!!!

Day 2- April 20th

I forgot my metro card. I normally go to class and then give myself 1.5 hours to get uptown for my babysitting job. But I snuck out of class early so... I had extra time! I had lunch at MUD by myself and decided to head uptown- and realized I had forgotten my card so I thought I would try to walk.

Thatsss when I decided to do my "nothingness". I was walking- different from the day before. This time I listened to my iPod on shuffle- and amazingly! Only peaceful music came on.

I focused on the huge white puffy clouds in the sky and on every tree that I passed. Again, I never look at the sky and CARE about the clouds and the sun and the blue- but yesterday when I did this- it pacified me. I would look at the trees and try NOT to make associations- because that's not necessarily the point/But sometimes I would see a tree that reminded me of something and acknowledge the association. I tried to just let my thoughts be- and not judge how often the ticker would tick by.

  I would walk, and notice the thoughts I had about weaving around people and about crossing the street. I was impressed with how much my instincts took over when it came to crossing the street. I was able to avoid bumping into someone and my ticker said "coliision" or "Almost collision". The interesting thing is that when I decided to try and do nothing- my thoughts were generally fragmented- and not in full sentences (not ALWAys though).

I was strangely zoned out staring at the clouds in between the buildings. I would think: "sliver" and "slice" of sky. I would associate it with "the space of nothingness" in between the clutter of the buildings. Then I would get mad at my thoughts for trying to associate. Then I would look at my anger thought: "why are you doing that?!?!?" and respond: "Oh well". This sounds kind of frantic - but truly most of my thoughts were one word. In fact, I also would feel the space between my ticker thoughts as- Space. I would feel, when no thoughts were going on, just this peaceful, nothingness "space". It was cool.

I didn't feel the same difficulty of breathing or anxiety as the day before- but that could have been because I was waking.

When I finally checked the clock- it was 17 minutes- again. Just like the day before. What does that MEAN?!?!?!?!

Anyway- I did it. Two days in a row. 5 more days of the same before I add step number 2: "Truths".
Tootalooo

its oktober

I have a strange sleep schedule now. I pray to God that I will fall asleep soon. But.... I need ambience christmas lights in my room. I also need to clean my room.

I have nothing to say. It is better to have my blog where things can be about ONE thing, which is food. But see then I feel bad writing about anything but food!

I can be like- My Life through food. THROUGH food. What food says about my life. What food brings out in my life. What food happened while my life was happening. What food I experienced while my life was being experienced. But I feel weird writing about anything else. But why should I? Its my BLOG. its not like I'm a food columnist or anything.

I am updating this.

Beatrice, the bonkers! Beatrice the buffoon.

Essay about Beatrice the Buffoon

The other day, while I was still in New York, I went by myself to 71 Irving to get Iced Coffee and a (banana chocolate, whyyyyy?) muffin. I stood looking around for a little table, and this cute guy looked at me in a - way - and were I normal or sane I would have been able to hold eye contact for more than .2 seconds and smile. Not even a seductive, goddess-of-the-earth, type smile. Just a normal friendly smile.

OOOHHHH no. that is just too hard for me. So, there were table right next to him, but some little idiot inside of me, I'll name her - Beatrice the Bonkers- said: No, that is right in line with the door, go somewhere more secluded for yourself. So I sat on the opposite side of the room. And my sitting locale was exactly on the other side of him with this old women's head smack in the line of eyesight. But before I sat down he looked at me again. So I knew I wasn't being crazy. But I WAS being crazy because I was acting like a skittish mouse! I mean, COME ON, BEATRICE! 

So once I sat down and I literally was completely out of eyesight - I was mad at myself and Beatrice the Bonkers. "come on, beatrice, what the hell are you afraid of? Being nice? Looking friendly?" "Yes, No, Yes, No". "Whatever, Beatrice".

So, I sat there eating my muffin-top and noticed the cafe getting more and more crowded. Damn, If Only I had gotten here now, then I could have sat closer, or sat even, at his table! But alas. I was a lame, BtB possessed loony eating a disgusting muffin-top and trying to stare through a woman's graying head at this cute John Krasinski-esque man who was eyeing me (eyeing in a very normal, sheepish and endearing way).

At the same time I realized I was being stupid for a whole different reason. "Beatrice, just enjoy your coffee and your disgusting muffin-top and be the cool person you always think you are when you see cool girls in movies". Yea, right.

Anyway, I was sitting right next to where the difficult-to-make-drinks come out and people were congregating. And I spoke outloud, but softly, to myself: "You know what? I am going to move! Because... its too crowded"

So I moved here. That would be him behind the staircase. I sat directly behind him. Realizing it was buffoon-like. I took a picture. Which is also buffoon- like.

So there I sat, and it got more and more awk. He was finished with his computer and closed it and sat and kind of turned to me, and I turned to my banana muffin that I hated. And picked at it. "Door-CLoser! Door-Closer! Door-Closer!"

Then his stupid friends, girls, came in and sat with him. Then I left.

"Happpyyyy Saturday, Morning, Beatrice!"

 

sitting at home in rosemont- lots of things on the mind but I am able to not be stressed for the most part right now.

Things I have to do-
finalize moving date with movers,
call wall building companies for quotes and try to schedule the building for the 30th,
cancel Time Warner Cable,
pay time warner cable,
notify conEd that we are moving out,
pay conEd,
tell christine to turn in 2 sets of keys to Big Apple Management-which were had to do like 2 weeks ago so we will probably not get our security deposit back (a LOT of $$$),
make sure mary has her stuff out of our apartment SOON
make time every day to make sure I feel my body and don't ignore my needs. so I don't sit up at night overeating like I currently am.

Actually, i am NOT overeating right now, because I came down to get chips because I was hungry and can't sleep hungry. I brought the end of a jar of peanut butter up to BED with me to eat while I read because I was hungry. But I truly truly was hungry still after. So here I am.
I am going to send Christine a message now.

But I realized, I brought my food to bed. I am sleeping with my peanut butter. What an awesome relationship.

But in the end, I at least trully do love myself in a growing way. A way that comes with practice and time and age. I am NOT overeating right now. I have eaten a hell whole lot today, but it is not one of those painful, pathetic, pacifying binges. Now that I am not hungry, I better go to bed. Its a small window

pain and doing nothing

Above is just a little tidbit of all that is beautiful and good. I love them both- but honestly- I love Julie Andrews so much more.

So I had a mouth/tmj surgery and I am in real pain- but that is hopefully not what I will focus on right now.

I am listening to Pandora, which I never do, but my current station is a mix of Keep the Car Running and Dance Anthem of the 80s. Its pretty good.

I wrote a little list yesterday when I was sitting in Le Pain Quotidien waiting for my food with nothing to do. I wrote it on the back of a receipt because thats all I had there.

This is my list of topics I, at the time, thought I wanted to write about:

Mud Coffee
Pain QUotidien
peanut butter (?)
olives
my new brand of feminism
this week of relaxation (and now: pain)
I <3 NY
differences to live in NY
numerology
religion/trinity (i got into that before, but not the trinity)
crust (on bread)
Nigella
fame. and it's horrors
radishes from theReluctant Dragon


I just watched Enchanted with my Dad. It was good. It was before my pain medication/numbness had worn of. Oof Oof ooofofofofofooooof.

They gave me narcotics but I'm scared!!!! I don't want to see the devil or throw up or whatever.


Ok I'm going to write about NY.

So, I kind of had a mini love affair with beautiful NYC the day before I left to come home. I had nothing to do but run around and get rXs and eat out by myself and - buy flip flops or whatever.

It is so beautiful. It is the most amazing place in the world. I knwo that I love Ireland, and I love love love france, and I want to travel so much more. But there is no place like Manhattan- and I have taken it or granted since the first week of freshman year. But I took it for granted in all the wrong ways. I just saw what I had to do. I had tasks. I had classes. I had fear of my health and an obsession with my weight and skin and I didn't take a thing in. I took NOTHING in my freshman year. I may as well have just gone to school in a secluded little podunk town because I didn't do a thing.

My first year I lived in Union Square, which is prime real estate, and I had a WHole Foods right outside my doorstep. Everything was at my fingertips. Its right next to Gramercy

Il Pleut

There are so many things that want to be written- so I m going to be as coherent and organized as possible...

1. Regina Spektor is so fantastic. That is almost the most obvious thing to say - but her new CD- is brilliant. Just as good if not better as the others. You know how it is hard for artists to live up to their previously amazing amazing cds. And as amazing as they are they normally do disappoint a little... I also hate listening to new songs, I know that sounds ridiculous- but its a breeze. But I am obsessed. I love the song "Blue Lips"- her songs are SO catchy and IMPORTANT sounding- even if they are whimsical. I trully believe that her songs beg her to be written. I don't even think she has to work that hard. I am not trying to take away from her talent. But... talent is just that... its something outside of a person that no one can ever put a finger on- SHe can take credit for taking piano, for actually sitting down and WRITING these songs that sit on little clouds above her head begging her to write them, and for going with it.

2. "Keep the Car Running" by The Arcade Fire is equally as soul driven.

3. I am home- meaning- in Rosemont, PA. I got home tonight. I have to get a mouth surgery tomorrow- whatever- I won't focus on it. My mom, sister and bro are at the shore being salty. My dad is here to nurse me back to health and happiness. We went to Merion golf course to have dinner. It is heavenly- and I had filet mignon and wine. Then we went to Trader Joe's to stock up for a few days!

3 b. this is the first time in ... months and months that I have full license to relax. Completely let go and sleep and do nothing. YES, I am getting mouth surgery- but hopefully that won't distract much. In fact, if nothing else it is going to force me to give over. "Let go and let God"

4. Speaking of God. I really resent that saying the word God brings up connotations of freaking Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt- or some crazy evangelical preacher, homophobes, extremist suicide bombers, or thinking that any group is a chosen group- EVEN the image of a man listening and deciding whether to help you or not. I don't believe that. I believe that God is not a man on a cloud, and I don't think....ugh. I don't even know. ~~~I basically am crazily spiritual- but I just think that religion has hurt spirituality so much. Just like dieting hurts your weight. God is sparkly, golden consciousness that lives in everything and is everything- And Jesus was right- and he was "god" but just like he said, so are we. We are just as much God as he was. I think if Jesus saw what people did with his words, he would... almost be sad. But he is too at-peace to actually be sad. He would just try to re-explain. And people would still mis-understand and make spirituality into a religion that defines certain people as knowing the "truth" while others do not.
Am I writing follow-able material? It is so frustrating.......
".... and everything must come and gooooo...." (regina s, field below, begin to hope)
I think this all makes me not a christian. I think Jesus was a wonderful man who saw how much we are all God. We are all that sparkly golden light that connects everything. But people still don't get it. I would never feel safe with a world that said I had to believe in something so specific and exclusive if I wanted to go to "heaven". Jesus said if we believe in him that we will be saved. That means: if we understand how much God WE are, then we will experience heaven on EARTH, not just after.

I can't believe I am talking about Jesus, I am just so annoyed. Because some people would read this and think I am a blasphemous satan worshipper, and some will think that I want to kill the gays for saying the word Jesus.

I am not Christian. I made up my own religion- its a sector of Glitterism started by Alex Reali (thats kind of a joke) but in my religion, I pray to the saints because they are cool. I like the things Jesus said but ... realize what the hell he was talking about... and I pray and believe that I am powerful beyond belief. I don't expect to understand everything ever. I believe that music, food, dancing, joyful exercise, honesty, meditation, sexuality, love, helping other people, nature and following your passions and talents is the surest way to live spiritually and happily and whole. As Eckhart Tolle says: the easiest way to "god" is THROUGH your body, not out of it. Live in your body. AGH!

Wow, that went on forever.

I'm updating.

creativity

I was reading that, and truly believe, that everyone needs a creative outlet.

Sometimes I think that mine is singing, but... is SINGING really creative? I know its a release, and it feels good and it is soulful- but is it "creative"?

Songwriting, that is definitely creative. But Singing...?

I don't know, the jury is out.

So just in case my incessant singing is not a real I am going to assume that writing is creative. but actually... WRITING like THIS is not really creative... it is more like a release- again. Releases are great! But when will I ever be creative. I should just start organizing my underwear drawer prettily, or wearing cool clothes. Or cooking. or.... gardening!

You know, I considered joining some like organization that plants flowers and plants in NYC- but I ... one day maybe. One day.

Ok- I have to go get my laundry.

trees

Honestly, it was so perfect today.

I have this problem, I'm pretty sure, where I am afraid that if i spend time outside NOT walking/exercising I am wasting time/surely-getting-fat. And that... is a stupid and stressful belief.

I became aware of this issue last year when I was in a (glorious) habit of taking the subway from the East Village up to Central Park to run. It was a lovely routine but I guess I didn't allow it to be as therapeutic as it COULD have been because... when I proposed the idea -to myself -of going to Central Park for the sole purpose of relaxing and lying under a tree and writing in my journal/napping/reading: I kind of freaked out. And I wanted to but I didn't want to because I felt like it was a huge waste of time....

***
(Exposition) I had just taken a LONG time off of exercise for two reasons: I knew I was kind of obsessed and addicted and that exercise had become more of a punishment than a health-affirming joy. And also because I had injured myself- an ankle sprain that turned into a pinched nerve in my hip. La! I don't really believe in coincidences so this was an interesting way to force me to not exercise. I also hated exercise. So after a good 8 months of no exercise, and relatively noticeable (at least to me and my oh so stressful mother) weight gain, I finally realized I needed to strengthen to get rid of the pinched nerve. I then began walking in Central Park because I knew that it had to be good for my soul as well as my body. I thought I would never run again because of all the stress I put myself through in the years before. But before I knew it I was running because the people running all around me in the park looked like they were having such a good time. In about a month, I was addicted- in a good way... but kind of in a bad way. I WOULD be stressed if I didn't exercise because of this "fear of impending fatness" that has plagued my poor mind since I was 14. I would go all day in studio- ballet classes and jazz classes and THEN go for a run. And I walked everywhere. I mean, exercise is so good for you, but the dictator within me (who is currently named Marian, i don't know why... it may change) was NEVER satisfied with how much I did. I also still used exercise as a means to eat a lot of food. And yes, when exercising you DO need more food. But... you know.

Anyway, so for the last year I have been running off and on. Eating whatever I wanted in an attempt to get over my denial/obsession but still... though I am aware of what is a healthy attitude, and I aspire to it, and I almost ALMOST even have it- I'm not quite there.

***
So back to the point- the point point- well first of all, before the point point (which will be point 2) Point 1 is:
#1 I have lowered my standards of cardio from 30 minutes of running everyfuckingday to... 20 minutes of running much less often. I am ALSO living in NYC, and working as a waitress and going to Yoga and trala lala la so- you know- this is completely reasonable. Like, completely. So this relaxation has become good- and I am not afraid of getting fat from it, because the reason I get fat. (you know... get "fat") is because I overeat. And I overeat because of stress. And, sister, stressing myself out over exercise is just not going to help that issue. I have known this for a while- but acting on it-...

THE POINT-POINT!
#2. I just sat in Washington Square Park today- looking at people, listening to music, braiding my hair (its in a french braid still, now) and just enjoying probably 15 minutes of peace. Peace and no obligations to myself or anything or anyone.
I had also just bought a grraaannddeeee iced coffee from Starbucks, had about 1/5 and decided for some reason I just didn't want it or need it- something in me was saying: NO! So I just threw it out and sat in the park.
Now this WAS after 20 minutes of running annyways. I will be reallly proud if I can do that peacefully on a day that I don't intend to exercise at all. (I didn't yesterday)

Anyway- healing healing healing. Mind. Body. Spirit.

Balance balance, you know...

Also, this is an amazing poem:

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Now I am going to post this, and then post another one soon after.

babysitting. bored.

So, I totally forgot where and what my blog was so... obviously. But I am pretty sure no one reads it anyway. I mean, there is one post. I don't even know what my blog is about. Maybe one day I'll look back and laugh at myself.
Correction: one day I will look back and laugh at myself.

So, I am babysitting- and they said I could use their computer- but it is a stupid PC and the keyboard is actually REALLY HARD TO USE!. My wrists are already tired from typing just a little- so it may not go on for long.

I worked this morning at the restaurant and made 70, which was nice. I think I need more clothes. I am now babysitting, and I will be meeting my Ireland program friends soon. (I feel like I need a smaller / shorter name for them).

This is a pretty good gig. I mean, I literally have nothing to do. I should have BROUGHT something to do.

I am going away for a week and I need to find someone to cover my every shift. I would do it now if the schedule was actually up!!!

What not to wear is on in the background but it is so fucking boring. I need to find a real show.

mammmma mmiiiaaaa now I have on touched by an angel. I don't know whats worse. I will keep looking.....
ok. whatever, family guy.

I am over updating now. All I was going to say was that as I ate 2 or 3 spoonfuls of this family's peanut butter I realized that that is one of the most common children-are-in-bed-what-am-i-going-to-do-what-do-they-have-to-eat activities.

Happens every time.

Tootaloo

no drugs

who needs drugs.
just don't sleep.
you'll hallucinate.
goodnight for a bit.

Faceobok, Twitter and a Blog?! WHy?

So I officially now have a facebook that I obsessively check, a twitter I obsessively update and a blog.
This must be a substitution for something more real in my life, but its ok. Its also a wonderful procrastination device, and I assume, a good "outlet" if I actually start to write on here.

I love sleeping. I am obsessed with making sure I get it- which... isn't good either because sometimes that leads to worrying about why I'm not falling asleep which leads me to ... not. I think its called insomnia. hahahaha. Yea. Well I don't have insomnia, but I may have like the smallest little smidge of it. But LAST NIGHT. I slept for two hours. I have been OUT of bed since 6:30 doing my take home exams which are due in 3 hours. I should finish them now.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I didn't sleep because I was worried about them, I drank last night because it was last day of classes and I bend to peer pressure, and I ate lots of cappuccino flavored cookies at 12:30 am...

This has the most pleasing size and font while you write. Its lovely!

I am listening on my iPod to Betty Buckley singing: Come On, Come On. Its so beautiful.

Some people remember the first time, some can't forget the last
Some just select what they want to from the past
It's a song you danced to in high school, it's a moon you tried to bring down
On a four in the morning drive through the streets of town

Come on come on, it's getting late now
Come on come on, take my hand
Come on come on, you just have to whisper
Come on come on, I will understand

It's a photograph taken in Paris at the end of the honeymoon
In 1948, late in the month of June
Your parents smile for the camera in sienna shades of light
Now you're older than they were then that summer night

Come on come on, it's getting late now
Come on come on, take my hand
Come on come on, you just have to whisper
Come on come on, I will understand

It's a need you never get used to, so fierce and so confused
It's a loss you never get over the first time you lose
And tonight I am thinking of someone twenty years ago
We rode in his daddy's car down the River Road

Come on come on, it's getting late now
Come on come on, take my hand
Come on come on, you just have to whisper
Come on come on, I will understand

its originally by Mary Chapin Carpenter, her rendition is great. But Betty Buckley.... ooof. Can't beat it.

I need to go to my work. And then I need to sleep all day.