its oktober

I have a strange sleep schedule now. I pray to God that I will fall asleep soon. But.... I need ambience christmas lights in my room. I also need to clean my room.

I have nothing to say. It is better to have my blog where things can be about ONE thing, which is food. But see then I feel bad writing about anything but food!

I can be like- My Life through food. THROUGH food. What food says about my life. What food brings out in my life. What food happened while my life was happening. What food I experienced while my life was being experienced. But I feel weird writing about anything else. But why should I? Its my BLOG. its not like I'm a food columnist or anything.

I am updating this.

Beatrice, the bonkers! Beatrice the buffoon.

Essay about Beatrice the Buffoon

The other day, while I was still in New York, I went by myself to 71 Irving to get Iced Coffee and a (banana chocolate, whyyyyy?) muffin. I stood looking around for a little table, and this cute guy looked at me in a - way - and were I normal or sane I would have been able to hold eye contact for more than .2 seconds and smile. Not even a seductive, goddess-of-the-earth, type smile. Just a normal friendly smile.

OOOHHHH no. that is just too hard for me. So, there were table right next to him, but some little idiot inside of me, I'll name her - Beatrice the Bonkers- said: No, that is right in line with the door, go somewhere more secluded for yourself. So I sat on the opposite side of the room. And my sitting locale was exactly on the other side of him with this old women's head smack in the line of eyesight. But before I sat down he looked at me again. So I knew I wasn't being crazy. But I WAS being crazy because I was acting like a skittish mouse! I mean, COME ON, BEATRICE! 

So once I sat down and I literally was completely out of eyesight - I was mad at myself and Beatrice the Bonkers. "come on, beatrice, what the hell are you afraid of? Being nice? Looking friendly?" "Yes, No, Yes, No". "Whatever, Beatrice".

So, I sat there eating my muffin-top and noticed the cafe getting more and more crowded. Damn, If Only I had gotten here now, then I could have sat closer, or sat even, at his table! But alas. I was a lame, BtB possessed loony eating a disgusting muffin-top and trying to stare through a woman's graying head at this cute John Krasinski-esque man who was eyeing me (eyeing in a very normal, sheepish and endearing way).

At the same time I realized I was being stupid for a whole different reason. "Beatrice, just enjoy your coffee and your disgusting muffin-top and be the cool person you always think you are when you see cool girls in movies". Yea, right.

Anyway, I was sitting right next to where the difficult-to-make-drinks come out and people were congregating. And I spoke outloud, but softly, to myself: "You know what? I am going to move! Because... its too crowded"

So I moved here. That would be him behind the staircase. I sat directly behind him. Realizing it was buffoon-like. I took a picture. Which is also buffoon- like.

So there I sat, and it got more and more awk. He was finished with his computer and closed it and sat and kind of turned to me, and I turned to my banana muffin that I hated. And picked at it. "Door-CLoser! Door-Closer! Door-Closer!"

Then his stupid friends, girls, came in and sat with him. Then I left.

"Happpyyyy Saturday, Morning, Beatrice!"

 

sitting at home in rosemont- lots of things on the mind but I am able to not be stressed for the most part right now.

Things I have to do-
finalize moving date with movers,
call wall building companies for quotes and try to schedule the building for the 30th,
cancel Time Warner Cable,
pay time warner cable,
notify conEd that we are moving out,
pay conEd,
tell christine to turn in 2 sets of keys to Big Apple Management-which were had to do like 2 weeks ago so we will probably not get our security deposit back (a LOT of $$$),
make sure mary has her stuff out of our apartment SOON
make time every day to make sure I feel my body and don't ignore my needs. so I don't sit up at night overeating like I currently am.

Actually, i am NOT overeating right now, because I came down to get chips because I was hungry and can't sleep hungry. I brought the end of a jar of peanut butter up to BED with me to eat while I read because I was hungry. But I truly truly was hungry still after. So here I am.
I am going to send Christine a message now.

But I realized, I brought my food to bed. I am sleeping with my peanut butter. What an awesome relationship.

But in the end, I at least trully do love myself in a growing way. A way that comes with practice and time and age. I am NOT overeating right now. I have eaten a hell whole lot today, but it is not one of those painful, pathetic, pacifying binges. Now that I am not hungry, I better go to bed. Its a small window

pain and doing nothing

Above is just a little tidbit of all that is beautiful and good. I love them both- but honestly- I love Julie Andrews so much more.

So I had a mouth/tmj surgery and I am in real pain- but that is hopefully not what I will focus on right now.

I am listening to Pandora, which I never do, but my current station is a mix of Keep the Car Running and Dance Anthem of the 80s. Its pretty good.

I wrote a little list yesterday when I was sitting in Le Pain Quotidien waiting for my food with nothing to do. I wrote it on the back of a receipt because thats all I had there.

This is my list of topics I, at the time, thought I wanted to write about:

Mud Coffee
Pain QUotidien
peanut butter (?)
olives
my new brand of feminism
this week of relaxation (and now: pain)
I <3 NY
differences to live in NY
numerology
religion/trinity (i got into that before, but not the trinity)
crust (on bread)
Nigella
fame. and it's horrors
radishes from theReluctant Dragon


I just watched Enchanted with my Dad. It was good. It was before my pain medication/numbness had worn of. Oof Oof ooofofofofofooooof.

They gave me narcotics but I'm scared!!!! I don't want to see the devil or throw up or whatever.


Ok I'm going to write about NY.

So, I kind of had a mini love affair with beautiful NYC the day before I left to come home. I had nothing to do but run around and get rXs and eat out by myself and - buy flip flops or whatever.

It is so beautiful. It is the most amazing place in the world. I knwo that I love Ireland, and I love love love france, and I want to travel so much more. But there is no place like Manhattan- and I have taken it or granted since the first week of freshman year. But I took it for granted in all the wrong ways. I just saw what I had to do. I had tasks. I had classes. I had fear of my health and an obsession with my weight and skin and I didn't take a thing in. I took NOTHING in my freshman year. I may as well have just gone to school in a secluded little podunk town because I didn't do a thing.

My first year I lived in Union Square, which is prime real estate, and I had a WHole Foods right outside my doorstep. Everything was at my fingertips. Its right next to Gramercy

Il Pleut

There are so many things that want to be written- so I m going to be as coherent and organized as possible...

1. Regina Spektor is so fantastic. That is almost the most obvious thing to say - but her new CD- is brilliant. Just as good if not better as the others. You know how it is hard for artists to live up to their previously amazing amazing cds. And as amazing as they are they normally do disappoint a little... I also hate listening to new songs, I know that sounds ridiculous- but its a breeze. But I am obsessed. I love the song "Blue Lips"- her songs are SO catchy and IMPORTANT sounding- even if they are whimsical. I trully believe that her songs beg her to be written. I don't even think she has to work that hard. I am not trying to take away from her talent. But... talent is just that... its something outside of a person that no one can ever put a finger on- SHe can take credit for taking piano, for actually sitting down and WRITING these songs that sit on little clouds above her head begging her to write them, and for going with it.

2. "Keep the Car Running" by The Arcade Fire is equally as soul driven.

3. I am home- meaning- in Rosemont, PA. I got home tonight. I have to get a mouth surgery tomorrow- whatever- I won't focus on it. My mom, sister and bro are at the shore being salty. My dad is here to nurse me back to health and happiness. We went to Merion golf course to have dinner. It is heavenly- and I had filet mignon and wine. Then we went to Trader Joe's to stock up for a few days!

3 b. this is the first time in ... months and months that I have full license to relax. Completely let go and sleep and do nothing. YES, I am getting mouth surgery- but hopefully that won't distract much. In fact, if nothing else it is going to force me to give over. "Let go and let God"

4. Speaking of God. I really resent that saying the word God brings up connotations of freaking Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt- or some crazy evangelical preacher, homophobes, extremist suicide bombers, or thinking that any group is a chosen group- EVEN the image of a man listening and deciding whether to help you or not. I don't believe that. I believe that God is not a man on a cloud, and I don't think....ugh. I don't even know. ~~~I basically am crazily spiritual- but I just think that religion has hurt spirituality so much. Just like dieting hurts your weight. God is sparkly, golden consciousness that lives in everything and is everything- And Jesus was right- and he was "god" but just like he said, so are we. We are just as much God as he was. I think if Jesus saw what people did with his words, he would... almost be sad. But he is too at-peace to actually be sad. He would just try to re-explain. And people would still mis-understand and make spirituality into a religion that defines certain people as knowing the "truth" while others do not.
Am I writing follow-able material? It is so frustrating.......
".... and everything must come and gooooo...." (regina s, field below, begin to hope)
I think this all makes me not a christian. I think Jesus was a wonderful man who saw how much we are all God. We are all that sparkly golden light that connects everything. But people still don't get it. I would never feel safe with a world that said I had to believe in something so specific and exclusive if I wanted to go to "heaven". Jesus said if we believe in him that we will be saved. That means: if we understand how much God WE are, then we will experience heaven on EARTH, not just after.

I can't believe I am talking about Jesus, I am just so annoyed. Because some people would read this and think I am a blasphemous satan worshipper, and some will think that I want to kill the gays for saying the word Jesus.

I am not Christian. I made up my own religion- its a sector of Glitterism started by Alex Reali (thats kind of a joke) but in my religion, I pray to the saints because they are cool. I like the things Jesus said but ... realize what the hell he was talking about... and I pray and believe that I am powerful beyond belief. I don't expect to understand everything ever. I believe that music, food, dancing, joyful exercise, honesty, meditation, sexuality, love, helping other people, nature and following your passions and talents is the surest way to live spiritually and happily and whole. As Eckhart Tolle says: the easiest way to "god" is THROUGH your body, not out of it. Live in your body. AGH!

Wow, that went on forever.

I'm updating.

creativity

I was reading that, and truly believe, that everyone needs a creative outlet.

Sometimes I think that mine is singing, but... is SINGING really creative? I know its a release, and it feels good and it is soulful- but is it "creative"?

Songwriting, that is definitely creative. But Singing...?

I don't know, the jury is out.

So just in case my incessant singing is not a real I am going to assume that writing is creative. but actually... WRITING like THIS is not really creative... it is more like a release- again. Releases are great! But when will I ever be creative. I should just start organizing my underwear drawer prettily, or wearing cool clothes. Or cooking. or.... gardening!

You know, I considered joining some like organization that plants flowers and plants in NYC- but I ... one day maybe. One day.

Ok- I have to go get my laundry.

trees

Honestly, it was so perfect today.

I have this problem, I'm pretty sure, where I am afraid that if i spend time outside NOT walking/exercising I am wasting time/surely-getting-fat. And that... is a stupid and stressful belief.

I became aware of this issue last year when I was in a (glorious) habit of taking the subway from the East Village up to Central Park to run. It was a lovely routine but I guess I didn't allow it to be as therapeutic as it COULD have been because... when I proposed the idea -to myself -of going to Central Park for the sole purpose of relaxing and lying under a tree and writing in my journal/napping/reading: I kind of freaked out. And I wanted to but I didn't want to because I felt like it was a huge waste of time....

***
(Exposition) I had just taken a LONG time off of exercise for two reasons: I knew I was kind of obsessed and addicted and that exercise had become more of a punishment than a health-affirming joy. And also because I had injured myself- an ankle sprain that turned into a pinched nerve in my hip. La! I don't really believe in coincidences so this was an interesting way to force me to not exercise. I also hated exercise. So after a good 8 months of no exercise, and relatively noticeable (at least to me and my oh so stressful mother) weight gain, I finally realized I needed to strengthen to get rid of the pinched nerve. I then began walking in Central Park because I knew that it had to be good for my soul as well as my body. I thought I would never run again because of all the stress I put myself through in the years before. But before I knew it I was running because the people running all around me in the park looked like they were having such a good time. In about a month, I was addicted- in a good way... but kind of in a bad way. I WOULD be stressed if I didn't exercise because of this "fear of impending fatness" that has plagued my poor mind since I was 14. I would go all day in studio- ballet classes and jazz classes and THEN go for a run. And I walked everywhere. I mean, exercise is so good for you, but the dictator within me (who is currently named Marian, i don't know why... it may change) was NEVER satisfied with how much I did. I also still used exercise as a means to eat a lot of food. And yes, when exercising you DO need more food. But... you know.

Anyway, so for the last year I have been running off and on. Eating whatever I wanted in an attempt to get over my denial/obsession but still... though I am aware of what is a healthy attitude, and I aspire to it, and I almost ALMOST even have it- I'm not quite there.

***
So back to the point- the point point- well first of all, before the point point (which will be point 2) Point 1 is:
#1 I have lowered my standards of cardio from 30 minutes of running everyfuckingday to... 20 minutes of running much less often. I am ALSO living in NYC, and working as a waitress and going to Yoga and trala lala la so- you know- this is completely reasonable. Like, completely. So this relaxation has become good- and I am not afraid of getting fat from it, because the reason I get fat. (you know... get "fat") is because I overeat. And I overeat because of stress. And, sister, stressing myself out over exercise is just not going to help that issue. I have known this for a while- but acting on it-...

THE POINT-POINT!
#2. I just sat in Washington Square Park today- looking at people, listening to music, braiding my hair (its in a french braid still, now) and just enjoying probably 15 minutes of peace. Peace and no obligations to myself or anything or anyone.
I had also just bought a grraaannddeeee iced coffee from Starbucks, had about 1/5 and decided for some reason I just didn't want it or need it- something in me was saying: NO! So I just threw it out and sat in the park.
Now this WAS after 20 minutes of running annyways. I will be reallly proud if I can do that peacefully on a day that I don't intend to exercise at all. (I didn't yesterday)

Anyway- healing healing healing. Mind. Body. Spirit.

Balance balance, you know...

Also, this is an amazing poem:

Wild Geese
by Mary Oliver

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
for a hundred miles through the desert repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting —
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.

Now I am going to post this, and then post another one soon after.

babysitting. bored.

So, I totally forgot where and what my blog was so... obviously. But I am pretty sure no one reads it anyway. I mean, there is one post. I don't even know what my blog is about. Maybe one day I'll look back and laugh at myself.
Correction: one day I will look back and laugh at myself.

So, I am babysitting- and they said I could use their computer- but it is a stupid PC and the keyboard is actually REALLY HARD TO USE!. My wrists are already tired from typing just a little- so it may not go on for long.

I worked this morning at the restaurant and made 70, which was nice. I think I need more clothes. I am now babysitting, and I will be meeting my Ireland program friends soon. (I feel like I need a smaller / shorter name for them).

This is a pretty good gig. I mean, I literally have nothing to do. I should have BROUGHT something to do.

I am going away for a week and I need to find someone to cover my every shift. I would do it now if the schedule was actually up!!!

What not to wear is on in the background but it is so fucking boring. I need to find a real show.

mammmma mmiiiaaaa now I have on touched by an angel. I don't know whats worse. I will keep looking.....
ok. whatever, family guy.

I am over updating now. All I was going to say was that as I ate 2 or 3 spoonfuls of this family's peanut butter I realized that that is one of the most common children-are-in-bed-what-am-i-going-to-do-what-do-they-have-to-eat activities.

Happens every time.

Tootaloo

no drugs

who needs drugs.
just don't sleep.
you'll hallucinate.
goodnight for a bit.

Faceobok, Twitter and a Blog?! WHy?

So I officially now have a facebook that I obsessively check, a twitter I obsessively update and a blog.
This must be a substitution for something more real in my life, but its ok. Its also a wonderful procrastination device, and I assume, a good "outlet" if I actually start to write on here.

I love sleeping. I am obsessed with making sure I get it- which... isn't good either because sometimes that leads to worrying about why I'm not falling asleep which leads me to ... not. I think its called insomnia. hahahaha. Yea. Well I don't have insomnia, but I may have like the smallest little smidge of it. But LAST NIGHT. I slept for two hours. I have been OUT of bed since 6:30 doing my take home exams which are due in 3 hours. I should finish them now.

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I didn't sleep because I was worried about them, I drank last night because it was last day of classes and I bend to peer pressure, and I ate lots of cappuccino flavored cookies at 12:30 am...

This has the most pleasing size and font while you write. Its lovely!

I am listening on my iPod to Betty Buckley singing: Come On, Come On. Its so beautiful.

Some people remember the first time, some can't forget the last
Some just select what they want to from the past
It's a song you danced to in high school, it's a moon you tried to bring down
On a four in the morning drive through the streets of town

Come on come on, it's getting late now
Come on come on, take my hand
Come on come on, you just have to whisper
Come on come on, I will understand

It's a photograph taken in Paris at the end of the honeymoon
In 1948, late in the month of June
Your parents smile for the camera in sienna shades of light
Now you're older than they were then that summer night

Come on come on, it's getting late now
Come on come on, take my hand
Come on come on, you just have to whisper
Come on come on, I will understand

It's a need you never get used to, so fierce and so confused
It's a loss you never get over the first time you lose
And tonight I am thinking of someone twenty years ago
We rode in his daddy's car down the River Road

Come on come on, it's getting late now
Come on come on, take my hand
Come on come on, you just have to whisper
Come on come on, I will understand

its originally by Mary Chapin Carpenter, her rendition is great. But Betty Buckley.... ooof. Can't beat it.

I need to go to my work. And then I need to sleep all day.