sitting at home in rosemont- lots of things on the mind but I am able to not be stressed for the most part right now.

Things I have to do-
finalize moving date with movers,
call wall building companies for quotes and try to schedule the building for the 30th,
cancel Time Warner Cable,
pay time warner cable,
notify conEd that we are moving out,
pay conEd,
tell christine to turn in 2 sets of keys to Big Apple Management-which were had to do like 2 weeks ago so we will probably not get our security deposit back (a LOT of $$$),
make sure mary has her stuff out of our apartment SOON
make time every day to make sure I feel my body and don't ignore my needs. so I don't sit up at night overeating like I currently am.

Actually, i am NOT overeating right now, because I came down to get chips because I was hungry and can't sleep hungry. I brought the end of a jar of peanut butter up to BED with me to eat while I read because I was hungry. But I truly truly was hungry still after. So here I am.
I am going to send Christine a message now.

But I realized, I brought my food to bed. I am sleeping with my peanut butter. What an awesome relationship.

But in the end, I at least trully do love myself in a growing way. A way that comes with practice and time and age. I am NOT overeating right now. I have eaten a hell whole lot today, but it is not one of those painful, pathetic, pacifying binges. Now that I am not hungry, I better go to bed. Its a small window

pain and doing nothing

Above is just a little tidbit of all that is beautiful and good. I love them both- but honestly- I love Julie Andrews so much more.

So I had a mouth/tmj surgery and I am in real pain- but that is hopefully not what I will focus on right now.

I am listening to Pandora, which I never do, but my current station is a mix of Keep the Car Running and Dance Anthem of the 80s. Its pretty good.

I wrote a little list yesterday when I was sitting in Le Pain Quotidien waiting for my food with nothing to do. I wrote it on the back of a receipt because thats all I had there.

This is my list of topics I, at the time, thought I wanted to write about:

Mud Coffee
Pain QUotidien
peanut butter (?)
olives
my new brand of feminism
this week of relaxation (and now: pain)
I <3 NY
differences to live in NY
numerology
religion/trinity (i got into that before, but not the trinity)
crust (on bread)
Nigella
fame. and it's horrors
radishes from theReluctant Dragon


I just watched Enchanted with my Dad. It was good. It was before my pain medication/numbness had worn of. Oof Oof ooofofofofofooooof.

They gave me narcotics but I'm scared!!!! I don't want to see the devil or throw up or whatever.


Ok I'm going to write about NY.

So, I kind of had a mini love affair with beautiful NYC the day before I left to come home. I had nothing to do but run around and get rXs and eat out by myself and - buy flip flops or whatever.

It is so beautiful. It is the most amazing place in the world. I knwo that I love Ireland, and I love love love france, and I want to travel so much more. But there is no place like Manhattan- and I have taken it or granted since the first week of freshman year. But I took it for granted in all the wrong ways. I just saw what I had to do. I had tasks. I had classes. I had fear of my health and an obsession with my weight and skin and I didn't take a thing in. I took NOTHING in my freshman year. I may as well have just gone to school in a secluded little podunk town because I didn't do a thing.

My first year I lived in Union Square, which is prime real estate, and I had a WHole Foods right outside my doorstep. Everything was at my fingertips. Its right next to Gramercy

Il Pleut

There are so many things that want to be written- so I m going to be as coherent and organized as possible...

1. Regina Spektor is so fantastic. That is almost the most obvious thing to say - but her new CD- is brilliant. Just as good if not better as the others. You know how it is hard for artists to live up to their previously amazing amazing cds. And as amazing as they are they normally do disappoint a little... I also hate listening to new songs, I know that sounds ridiculous- but its a breeze. But I am obsessed. I love the song "Blue Lips"- her songs are SO catchy and IMPORTANT sounding- even if they are whimsical. I trully believe that her songs beg her to be written. I don't even think she has to work that hard. I am not trying to take away from her talent. But... talent is just that... its something outside of a person that no one can ever put a finger on- SHe can take credit for taking piano, for actually sitting down and WRITING these songs that sit on little clouds above her head begging her to write them, and for going with it.

2. "Keep the Car Running" by The Arcade Fire is equally as soul driven.

3. I am home- meaning- in Rosemont, PA. I got home tonight. I have to get a mouth surgery tomorrow- whatever- I won't focus on it. My mom, sister and bro are at the shore being salty. My dad is here to nurse me back to health and happiness. We went to Merion golf course to have dinner. It is heavenly- and I had filet mignon and wine. Then we went to Trader Joe's to stock up for a few days!

3 b. this is the first time in ... months and months that I have full license to relax. Completely let go and sleep and do nothing. YES, I am getting mouth surgery- but hopefully that won't distract much. In fact, if nothing else it is going to force me to give over. "Let go and let God"

4. Speaking of God. I really resent that saying the word God brings up connotations of freaking Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt- or some crazy evangelical preacher, homophobes, extremist suicide bombers, or thinking that any group is a chosen group- EVEN the image of a man listening and deciding whether to help you or not. I don't believe that. I believe that God is not a man on a cloud, and I don't think....ugh. I don't even know. ~~~I basically am crazily spiritual- but I just think that religion has hurt spirituality so much. Just like dieting hurts your weight. God is sparkly, golden consciousness that lives in everything and is everything- And Jesus was right- and he was "god" but just like he said, so are we. We are just as much God as he was. I think if Jesus saw what people did with his words, he would... almost be sad. But he is too at-peace to actually be sad. He would just try to re-explain. And people would still mis-understand and make spirituality into a religion that defines certain people as knowing the "truth" while others do not.
Am I writing follow-able material? It is so frustrating.......
".... and everything must come and gooooo...." (regina s, field below, begin to hope)
I think this all makes me not a christian. I think Jesus was a wonderful man who saw how much we are all God. We are all that sparkly golden light that connects everything. But people still don't get it. I would never feel safe with a world that said I had to believe in something so specific and exclusive if I wanted to go to "heaven". Jesus said if we believe in him that we will be saved. That means: if we understand how much God WE are, then we will experience heaven on EARTH, not just after.

I can't believe I am talking about Jesus, I am just so annoyed. Because some people would read this and think I am a blasphemous satan worshipper, and some will think that I want to kill the gays for saying the word Jesus.

I am not Christian. I made up my own religion- its a sector of Glitterism started by Alex Reali (thats kind of a joke) but in my religion, I pray to the saints because they are cool. I like the things Jesus said but ... realize what the hell he was talking about... and I pray and believe that I am powerful beyond belief. I don't expect to understand everything ever. I believe that music, food, dancing, joyful exercise, honesty, meditation, sexuality, love, helping other people, nature and following your passions and talents is the surest way to live spiritually and happily and whole. As Eckhart Tolle says: the easiest way to "god" is THROUGH your body, not out of it. Live in your body. AGH!

Wow, that went on forever.

I'm updating.