Pretending to Be a Cat (thats the opposite of truth)

I tried to squeeze in nothingness + truth yesterday but the idea of taking the TIME to sit down and write a blog about it stressed me out too much. So I didn't.

Phew. But- I did a mini version yesterday and- also- yoga helped me IMMEASURABLY. Normally I cannot get out of my head during yoga but I managed to be able to enjoy myself despite the slew of things I had waiting for me at the other end of the yoga session.

I pretended to be a cat.

And just moved around however the hell I liked. And when I would think of what list of tasks and to-dos and the concert last night I had waiting for me. I imagined what a cat would think if it had to deal with the same things- and said "Who cares". I imagined myself on a windowsill- able to nap at any given moment. Doing stretchy yoga things because I wanted to and because I was agile and cool. So strangely... it worked.

But back to nothingness + truth: I didn't really give myself a good strong dose of nothingness (unless you include spurts of it in yoga). But I did take like 7 desperate breaths with my eyes closed sitting at my computer with my heart pounding, and my body achingly tired from having to wake up at the crack of dawn to babysit. I think that sometimes (or, often) a quiet mind has something to do with being to tired to be able to worry or think. I used to go to a very intuitive acupuncturist last year- who would always ask me: "What are you dealing with!? Your body is freaking out! What are you so worried about???" And what I have never forgotten is "I am feeling so much stress in your body, but I think that you are so exhausted that you aren't even acknowledging it or able to care". I think that is a little of how it is now... which is bad.

But I sat there and asked myself the Truth questions:
What am I feeling? Exhausted. Overwhelmed. Anxious. Tired. Embarrassed.
What hurts? My head. My eyes. Embarrassment.
What painful story am I telling? That I will not be able to finish all my papers or pack up my things before I have to move out. My agents also think I am crazy for popping into today and being so out of it because I am exhausted. Because of this I will not be able to graduate this May and also my mom will hate me for making things more difficult with the apartment. My agents will regret the day they signed me. I won't fit in time to exercise, so I won't fit into my clothes anymore and I will have to buy all new clothes- which is bad for so many reasons. I will never find a new apartment in July and will have to live at home, on the streets or in a ?????. I will never find a reasonably priced plan ticket from Marseille at the end of my France bike trip and I'll have to stay there, except I won't be able to because I never became an Irish citizen even though I could and should and therefore have no EU passport.

Is this story helping? No. I don't actually truly believe these things will happen. But if I examine everything I am feeling and all the worry and embarrassment I feel. THAT story is why. The possibility of THAT story, above, is why I feel stress.

Is there a better story I can tell? Yes. Here it is:

I will finish my papers, I will just turn them in late. I will pack up my stuff in one morning, its not that hard, and if I don't I will stuff it in my closet. Deal with it. My agents are nice and if they truly think I am strange and strung out they will STILL want me to work, for their own sake. $$$$$$$. If I don't exercise my clothes will still fit. My bras just won't. And I will find an apartment, because I have to and my parents will help me find one and move. Someone in my class just showed me a website that tells you when your flights drop and there is still time to get Irish Citizenship before the close the offer. I hope.

I had best calm down. Why on earth would we tell ourselves the most stressful story possible???

Merp.